Contemplation
by Valasania the Pale
Summary: What is Ruby hiding from us?


**Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY nor its characters, I am merely playing in the wonderful sandbox Rooster Teeth has created for us.**

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' _Did you ever think about how much Argus looks like Vale at night, Pyrrha?'_ Ruby thought wistfully. With the moonlight gleaming off of rooftops, the gentle dusting of snow settling all over the concrete jungle like a blanket of glistening gems shone all the brighter, distracting her from the memory of a city in flames, and the sound of fear on the wind.

She'd managed to climb high up onto one of the apartments on top of the hill. Maybe it was an abuse of her semblance, maybe she shouldn't be out here alone, and maybe she should be resting in preparation for the next day…

Dust, the discussion of what to do next would be fierce and would only grow more heated with the full night's sleep to think on it. Ruby huddled further into her cloak, wrapping the thick red fabric tight around her chest against the chill.

' _Snowflakes falling all around me, I dance upon the grass… It crunches underneath my feet and I cannot help but laugh…'_

"What am I doing?" Ruby asked aloud, something ugly rearing its head in her chest.

Her arms wrapped tight, she sucked in a draft of freezing air, everything was swirling like win _ter's flurries and she was so scared!_

Out…

Ruby sagged, her energy leaving with her breath.

Another day gone by, another day for her fears to continue hounding her. Another burden placed upon their group, another roadblock in their path… Get to Mistral had been such a simple thing… Then, defend the school… they'd done it before… But Raven joined and made things so much more complicated and _painful_ … now the Relic was theirs to protect and they were flying by the edge of their seat and their moron of a headmaster had stuck his head in the sand when he was the only one she could look to to _know what he was doing and her drunk of an uncle and… and…!_

Out…

'That was mean…" Ruby muttered, mental fingers prying the rough knot of guilt away from the morass of tangled threads and wires… _'He didn't deserve that…'_

Oh, she had so much she wanted to say to their wayward headmaster… that he was a moron… that he was too closed off… that he was a liar…

That she was sorry.

It was so hard for her to untangle the mess her feelings toward Ozpin had become over the last few days. His actions and hers – both of their choices – made the relationship they shared so infinitely, impossibly more complex…

But if there was one thing Ruby had gotten quite good at, it was being skilled in reading people. Particularly, being able to pick out people in need. Ozpin was someone desperately, frightfully in need of someone he could trust implicitly. Ruby didn't think she fit the bill. Not anymore.

 _Pine-flecked-gold, wide with naked fear, memory_ , hurt. _Oscar's normally tan complexion paled to a mottled grey, snowflakes in his hair, in his eyebrows, collecting on his cheeks only to be washed away by the heat of the tears streaming down…_

"I regret it," Ruby said, not to anyone in particular. "That. I'm angry at him, but he didn't deserve that. Nobody would."

 _His voice strangled. But with what emotions? They were a knotted mass, a nightmare. "I'm… Sorry…" Did he realize what he'd done? Did he understand why she'd done it? Probably not, she barely understood the tempered fury-terror-defiance-impatience-frustration that had gripped her in that moment._

" _Jinn… what is Ozpin hiding from us?"_

The wind blew harder, cutting through her cloak like it was tissue paper. Shivering, she activated her aura, her soul warming her more than any mundane material ever could.

She couldn't compare their grief. She knew loss. She knew pain.

 _Unidentifiable emotion, gripping her… she didn't understand! Where was mom! Why was everyone sad? The pit within her… it was ugly, dark and oozing… like Grimm… but she couldn't fight it… Dad was crying, Uncle Qrow just_ stared _at the wall and Yang… she just held Ruby close and shook and trembled… Why?_

Ruby shivered.

 _Excitement! Zwei was so cute! She fell asleep that night vibrating with energy, how could she possibly fall asleep when they had an adorable little puppy to take care of now?!_

 _In the next room, voices. Uncle Qrow and Dad. "He'll help you with your depression, Tai. It's not right seeing you like this – it's not what Summer would want. I hope you don't think I'm being invasive about it but…" – "No, Qrow… I… you're right. Thank you… really, thank you for caring…"_

 _Dad…?_

"Stop," Ruby covered her ears. Stop. Stop. Stop remembering. She came up here to avoid the nightmares!

 _The Breach. The Grimm. She fought. Crescent Rose sang. Nearby, Myrtenaster. Ember Celica detonating with each punch. Gambol Shroud dicing Beowolves with ease. And all around them, destruction. They'd failed to stop. They'd tried! But in the periphery, a few lone civilians lay unmoving… they would be alright, right?_

Stop! STOP!

 _Penny. She rushed to stop the match! She… she…! Oh dust, no… Yang… her arm… Blake, stop crying, please… Racing… the arrow… PYRRHA!_

Was this her punishment? Tormenting herself, day in, day out, ever since she'd opened her fat mouth and butted in too far? It wasn't his fault, damn you – everyone was looking to him – to her! – and he'd lied and she didn't know what else to do but to ask and set everything straight and _she didn't know what she was doing_ —

A strong gust nearly bowled her over, and Ruby's spiral into despair was disrupted by the cold, damp slap of a leaf against her cheek.

One hand touching her throat – her pulse raced, her heart alive and hammering against her chest – while the other scraped the offender away… an autumn leaf. That perfect hue of gold and scarlet, brown and yellow. A few slight holes torn in it, or perhaps chewed through by insects before falling?

Ruby stared blankly at the leaf for a long time. Just… stared. Her pulse calmed. Her breathing evened out. Eventually, her hand fell slack into her lap and the leaf drifted away, carried off by another gust. Ruby rubbed her cheeks, trying to infuse them with some warmth.

She knew loss… she knew pain… And after coming to know her friends as well as she had over the last two years, she'd learned it wasn't a game of comparisons. But she couldn't relate to the pain she'd seen reflected back at her in those eyes. Pine-flecked-gold, brimming with glossy tears, lips parted in an unuttered howl of agony.

She was angry, but it had long since diminished into doubt. She was guilty, and while it still gripped her heart like a vice, its root was in confusion, self-loathing, and fear. She was afraid… So afraid, because she'd seen reflected in those eyes someone she could all too easily see herself becoming.

Someone who couldn't trust his friends because time and experience destroyed his sense of security. Someone who could blatantly lie without blinking while leading friends against deadly enemies. Someone who was tired. Afraid. Guilty. And who felt so utterly alone…

" _I'm fine, Weiss, don't worry about me," Ruby said, lying through her teeth. It had only been a brief glance – just checking one last time that her partner was breathing. That she wasn't bleeding out. That there wasn't a gaping hole in her side, like Ruby could see burned into her memory._

" _If you're sure…?"_

" _I'm sure, don't worry. Get some rest, alright?"_

Dust, how long had she been lying to her friends? Why couldn't she open up to them like she used to? What had the world come to that Ruby Rose, paragon of purity and naivete, couldn't open up to her own sister?

"I feel responsible for them, Ozpin," she whispered painfully. "They're here because of me. What happens to them…" _Jaune fighting Cinder, knocked down – her world went black as panic and fear and the need to_ protect _filling her – waking up… Weiss… oh dustohnononononotagain!_ "I'm so sorry." she shuddered. "I thought…"

That she could trust him not to lie to her – he'd never lied to her before. That if they were willing to lay their lives down for him, he'd respect that faith and return it in kind. That things could be simple again, like they were before it all became so wrong, and anything but simple.

"I was naïve," Ruby whispered. "And wrong. To expect you to tell us everything… And to think that your reasons weren't good enough…"

She understood. She understood all too well.

She was tired.

Ruby leaned back on the bench, and despite her aura keeping out the wind, she felt cold. Above her, the broken moon gleamed, the sky's mirror reflecting down on her. _'Pyrrha…Penny… Mom… would you be proud, or disappointed in me?'_

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 **I wrote this as a snapshot of what Ruby feels the night following V6E9, 'Lost.' I personally feel that Ruby must be hiding a great deal of pain - that she feels responsible for these people since they have so clearly put themselves there for _her_. And of course, she would put their welfare before her own. **

**Cheers all, I hope you enjoyed. Please leave a review, I would love to hear your thoughts.**

 **-V**


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